Pt. III

    It was my Junior year of high school, she was sitting in my car in the parking lot of school, I felt that lump in my throat and that unbelievable knot in my stomach, I moved my hand up to pull her bangs out of her eyes, my hand could not make a connection this time as she moved to her right just enough to dodge it, I sank, real hard, real fast, but I'm not going to cry, I swore I wouldn't do it, she was my first love, at that point it felt like my only love, as if the thought process was "there are absolutely no other females in the world."   Stupid kid, she let out a sigh that broke the silence, opened my car door and walked out without shutting it.  I sat there motionless for a few moments, tried to swallow the lump leaned over to close the car door and heard the drips fall from my face onto the vinyl seat, deep deep deep breath in, out slowly, shut the door, turn the key and leave.  I lived 4 miles from the school, and as cliche as it seems that 4 miles seemed absolutely endless.  I couldn't think of what I had done wrong, little did I know, high school relationships are just fucked.  I sulked into my mothers house, no one was home, good.  went into my room and just laid down on the bed for well over an hour staring at the ceiling.  Then it hit me, I can just end this, show her she shouldn't have left me, because that makes total logical sense, won't even write a note, she'll know why I did it, then my Mother will find out and hate her and then everyone will hate her, best idea ever I thought,  This was the night I found out drinking bleach and suffering was not the best way to go to kill yourself, this is also the night I found out I would have many many many more chances to do this over and over again.