Wednesday.

i'll drop now
the heat has me
taken hold of my
my my my my my my thoughts
i'll pick now
to stand
tall
fall
crawl
perspiration is me
all me
learning to walk again isn't fun when you remember it.

Packs.

Feed me to myself
as long as there is spices and sauces involved
I would not mind.
just feed me to the wolves
they don't need spices or sauces
they'll take me just how I am
i'll rot their stomachs
i'll digest badly
but wolves don't care
do they?

$#$#

I over-used my expletives
threw them out like they were garbage
now I am sitting here
in the dark
with nothing to say
does this make me a bad person?
or does this make worse than that?
either way
the lights will come on
and I will return with a new set
ready to fire off.

Tuesday.

Today I took a drive
with the windows down
you were not around
so I put a picture of you
in the passengers seat
I would have preferred
to hold your hand
and kiss you under your earlobe
it was still fun to pretend
I talked incessantly
even talked your responses
as much as I would have loved
to brush your bangs back
and watch you frantically fix them
it was still fun to pretend.

//?

going through my old cd's and updating my itunes libraray I found and am going to share some lyrics by the band orchid today

"purse your lips and pump your hips
and purse your lips and pump your hips
I can't begin to understand
god damn. god damn. god damn,
I start sweating about the time your hand hits my back
I can't begin to understand
god damn. god damn. god damn.
we were kissing an hour before our lips met
I never wanted to have sex till you asked me
god damn. god damn i'm a brand new man"

Jason.

There was a river
where we used to fish
as children
we would spend all day
getting to know each other
as each day is different
so are we
we always had a lot to learn
a lot of fish to catch
and a lot of rules to break
you always caught the biggest fish
I always helped you throw it back
I always fell in
you always helped me out
there was a time
when the current was so strong
and a time when you fell in
our roles were reversed
I couldn't get to you in time
I watched helplessly
as the river took you away
and I could do nothing.
Now that river is dried up
and there are no more fish
there are trees growing where I last saw you
I know one of those trees is you
so I come and visit it
and I get to know
your leaves
your bark
your roots
your animal residents
it's as if you never left
I wish I could show you
who I've become
the things I have done
and everything else about me
someday
a tree will grow next to you
and we can catch up
....

one for the road.

To all the boys and girls I know
kiss like you've never kissed
don't be afraid anymore
hearts will break
wounds will heal
lives will change
people will die
stop wasting time
and just kiss like it's all you have left.

backwards.

I lost count of
the amount of
counter-clockwise circles
I had drawn on your hip
there must be thousands there
possibly more
I aspire for millions.

Short.

I slipped and fell
and broke my arms
this is very difficult
to write
with no arms.

missing link.

This place is haunted
I saw the ghosts
one turned to me and said
"ooooOoOOOooo"
I told her I did not understand
so she proceeded to clear her throat
and explain to me
how this place was haunted,
I said I understood that
since I was talking to a ghost
I do not think that ghost fancied me one bit
oh well.

taken.

I stole it
I took it and I feel bad about it
but I still stole it
even after giving it back
I still had stolen it
and that could never be erased
wonder what has changed in my future because of this?

Henry.

I made a new friend today
his name was Henry
he was a fox living on the outskirts of the woods
he told me he had a family
and was looking for them
but was afraid to cross the road
I stopped traffic for him
helped him cross the road
this is when he told me
"everything you will do will matter"
I knew that already
but needed to be told
we all need to be told.

Still.

I saw the stars fall down to earth
they rattled in the sky
then they came down
as if space was a pinata being broken
they
            all
      shook,
               the
                     earth
   stood
            still
      in
                        protest.
when they landed
I saw how small they really were
but the brightness
the brightness was so much
but it didn't hurt
it was unbelievable
I picked one up
put it in my pocket
and took it home.

old 2

What happens next is two steps away
and the blood spilled today
with the wink of an eye
all the young come to die
"I'm a genius and nobody knows it but me"
Fill up on nostalgia before my final farewell
this is.. ending
this is.. treason
this is.. farewell
bang bang!
you're dead.

old 1

I know I know
it all makes sense
lets forget that word
and forget all this

we were the unavoidable exception
we will re-think all definitions

let us cheer and rejoice
and make that final toast
to our departed sons

what have we done?

Communist wolves

soon these friends of ours will feast on the necks of strangers infection sets in their blood boils,
our glorified godliness has now been passed
and the hunger
oh yeah the hunger.

wolf dictatorship

this town, this town, this town, this town, this town

our hosts have
set the table
prepared
our feast poured
our wine
we will in-
dulge un-
til our guts fill
watch for my signal
there isn't a scrap of silver in this town

open the sky
watch it all
come crash down
enjoy it while
you can cunts

open the sky
watch it all
come crash down
enjoy it while
you can cunts

my friends my friends my friends my friends
soon you will be just like us,

SPLT NRV

about 2 years back my friends and I had a musical project going, these are the lyrics from one of the songs which I found.



our blood runs blue
and that's the point
where all the others have reconsidered
have you what it takes little girl?
she spoke softly of the
events about to transpire
I leaned into her mouth connecting with me
trust you me
all the perks
worth
every
single
mother
father
sister
and brother.

00

That time I shook
that time I
really
really
really
shook
my legs couldn't stop
days later
I can still feel the tremors
that was the day
I became
california sinking into the ocean

the moon

And tonight
the sun will go down for the final time
this city will burn
every one is going to
screw one last time
drink one last time
kill one last time
cry one last time
eat one last time

however I will stand
my hand in yours
watch the sun burn out
and smile for the first time

14

It was unbelievably late when we got that fire going, my watch had died, the only idea I had was that what had felt like days had probably only been a few hours, a few long hours, a few cold hours, a few angry hours, a few resentful hours, a goddamned frigid night.  I heard a whimper come out of what life she had left in her lungs, I felt terrible for her, even though it was her fault we were here, I could not fault her though, we would find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it was definitely here, somewhere with a shitty little leprechaun guarding our treasures which we were inevitably freezing to death to find.

I gambled away everything we had worked our entire lives for 3 years back, casinos, sports, tracks, you name it I bet on it, I had a filthy addiction, yet she still found comfort in my arms, bless her for that.

I knew I'd keep her alive this time, so I tried to lighten the mood, "I'll bet we find this pot of gold before we die..." she coughed, her blue cheeks I noticed were becoming darker, I should help her in front of the fire, she will stay warm, she will live the night, it is my duty as her protector, her love, her best friend, her worst enemy to keep her alive.

As I moved towards her I saw her shaking so badly I thought she would break, my heart sank so far I felt it digesting, at least there's some sustenance.  I remember our wedding day when I picked her up in that cliche way to carry her and knocked her head against the wall, yet she still trusted me, maybe I should have bailed, but my selfish addictions also include bringing all around me down as far as I am, she's so much better of a person than I, as I put my left arm under her legs I decide to open my mouth yet again to try and bring humor into the situation, "at least there are no walls here to hit your head on..." even if she wasn't dying of the cold I know she wouldn't find this funny.

I manage to move her closer to the fire, I stay close to her as my body is a furnace, whispers in her ear about how everything will be okay don't seem to help the situation either, really disappointed in myself here.... I need this to work.

Soon the sun starts to rise and her blue skin is returning to normal, the violent shaking has turned to mere shivering.  I don't tell her but I give her the last of the food rations, she wouldn't like me not sustaining myself, exclaiming that I already had more of a portion than her she eats what she is given quickly in hopes of regaining some strength.  The fire had put itself out a little bit ago, so after gathering what possessions we had we begin to head back out in search for this pot of gold.

After about an hour she starts to feel weak again, I have no more food to give her strength, I can just verbalize to try and keep her spirits up with motivational words and thoughts for her to try and trudge forward, that's when I see the glow, I sit her down and tell her everything will be all right, place a blanket around her shoulders and that we had found the infamous pot of gold, all of our problems will be solved, the rumors were all true, we took our chances and won.  We actually won.  I empty out the my bag and cover her in whatever warmth I can find, run ahead and fill it up with all of this wealth.

When returning she says she has no energy and would need to rest a bit, I assure her I know the way out, and that I will leave and return with food and others to get her out, "the road isn't far," as I point to the map of where we were, "It won't take me more than 3 hours to get out and get back with food, water, and warmth.." she looks at me with tears in her eyes, not sad tears, tears of joy, she knows too that I mean what I say, and then she nods.  I kiss her goodbye and start walking as fast as I can out of those woods, I am walking into a better life so I had better hurry.




"I'll put $100 on Raggedy Ann."

I hope she'll be all right out in those woods a little while longer.

The waltz.

I've danced alone for so long
I have no rhythm
I step on toes
I don't know where to place my hands
So I put on my own music
And dance my own dance
Step on my own toes
and I still don't know where to place my hands

There
is
this
spot
where
your
hairline
meets
the
back
of
your
neck
and
it
is
my
favorite

Now i've at least got my hand placement right
the other things are sure to follow.

Pockets.

My pockets are filled with lint
loose change
and reciepts from bars
I clean them out daily
somehow it all comes back
day after day
My mind is at ease
when today
I stuck my hands in my pockets
and there was nothing there.

SDS (shitty dude status)

I lay on that warm pavement with my hands shaking, finding everything funny, as the cars angrily swerve to avoid me.


My body, liver, brain all need a break.


I wish I could just turn my brain off sometimes, it would be pretty great to get continuous great nights of sleep.


I need stability in my life, working to change my life is very difficult and as living the same way for 28 years with no structure is quite a task to change.

I know I can change these things, my problem is when it starts to get tough for me I take two steps back, I could see myself doing this for the past few days, and it's not good for anyone, I had a long conversation on the phone with my mother yesterday, it was a great talk, I found myself talking incessantly about one person, and realized to myself that I can't be letting these steps back happen anymore, that it really is time to change, I had a clear head for a moment when the realization came, it felt wonderful.

I have to admit I'm terrified to change, it's going to be a long process, but it really is time.  No doubt in my mind about it.  Hard work has always paid off for me in the past, now I need to put hard work in on myself.

and again

with the wes eisold quotes

feeling counter-productive tonight.

" Dear eastern prom
I know what's wrong...
But it's suicide eyes
That wrote this song
For all I'm worth
Writer's block is a bitch
Words falling like bricks
For a New England wish...
I was an easy male fuck
In the town of "naive-ity"

All I wanted was a shot in the dark
But like a knife through the heart
I choke on spit covered words...

Oh my god - it happened again
What the fuck is wrong with me?

Screaming gets you nothing
One more night in fucking town
Screaming gets you nothing
And I swear I'm fucking dead...
Screaming gets you nothing
I drew a heart around the name of your city...
Screaming gets you nothing
I drew a heart around the name of your city..."

And shitshit

"Let's explore.."

Jamey was always the asshole wanting to explore, Fuck that guy, no FUCK FUCK that guy, last time we went to explore I came out missing two fingers, thumb and ring finger gone, tried using it once as a pick up line, that I could shock the girl really good, pig wasn't that into it, now I'm self conscious as hell about it.


Back to double fucking Jamey, that total asshole, I can't stress enough how angry he makes me, if this girl Rita wasn't here i'd be totally out, Rita has a nice set of tits that i'd totally like to get my eight fingers on.  So in the end I will not hesitate, I'll do it and something fucked will happen.  My sour face turns sweet when she turns around and opens that mouth, "I'll go in with you, hold your hand even... just the good one though." that sentence would have been good, she just winked now it's a dick hardening sentence, so I play the moron grab her hand and take the lead.

"This water is so goddamned cold," I thought and heard a "what?" in response, shit I guess my thoughts and my mouth don't separate as well as I thought, I shake my head and under my breath utter some mumblings.  I'm frustrated as hell, cold, wet feet with a hard dick, and fantasizing about Rita tripping over a rock and catching her by her tits.   Well that's just not going to happen.

It's really dark in this place, hopefully this water is clean, I don't feel like going to the docs again for something this asshole and my libido roped me in to.  That's when I see it, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, literally, not metaphorically speaking, so my pace quickens, the cold sweat between our palms starts warming, this might not be so bad, might not, might not, i'll convince myself of this, if I just say it over and over and over and over, might not, seriously might not.

Things start looking different, light coming through, I can actually see sunlight, I can hear life outside of this potential awful situation that could have happened, then I stop, come to a complete stop and just stare.

This is the town I grew up in, the town I never left, and we are actually in the back yard of the house I grew up in, the house I never left, and I never knew this was here.

Double fuck that double asshole, i'd have lost a limb and maybe gotten a pity fuck out of something better.

shit-eater

Feed.

About 73 degrees in Chicago this day, today being that, is when I asked her to open that can of worms.  She, at first refused, as we had no can opener, I left our small loft, knocked on the neighbors door as I had done so many times before, explained to them that Jules had never opened a can of worms before, and a can opener was needed, they proceeded to let me use a spare they had, as they did not want it back after it had opened such a thing, I thanked them, handed them the change in my pocket and went back.
Jules seemed not that thrilled that I had actually went and retrieved such an item, as now I seemed to call her bluff.  I handed her the instrument and she proceeded to open this can, which was actually filled with worms, this is when I asked her, "Please baby, do it for me, just let the worms feed..." She then had a look of disgust on her face and finished her duties, took a deep breath, and then let the worms feed.

And those worms fed,
they fed, and they fed, and they fed, and they fed.


My laughter became guffaws that night, that is the word.

Goodnight Jules, you were a good person once.

3 AM thoughts

Envelop in my selfishness.
Stir around naïveté,
As if it were on a plate.


Let's meet in the woods,
We can hold hands and catch frogs down by the pond
I will carve our initials in a tree,
And watch you skip rocks, something you will have to teach me,
Today,
This is the day the sun will not go down.


If I could I would keep you here.

Title.

That one left me speechless

I couldn't stop myself
I couldn't control anymore
I wanted to give you everything


Everything

I

Had


Then as the lists were useless
The sky was brown
The water was rust
The trees were ash
Shit was still shit,

I made a new list


one where your name wasn't even there to cross out.