this is my biography
this is me
at my weakest
point
this is
vulnerability
this is
difficult me
this is
all beginnings
this is
narcissism
every other
weekend.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
the death of romance pt.I
an essay in de-evolution.
Is romance something we created as humans? what is it exactly? and where did it go?
We separate ourselves from the rest animal kingdom with so many different things, our lives are all different, we lead them the way we want to lead them (for the most part) We build, destroy, love, hate, survive, we're artistic, we're smart, there's so much complexity to being human, it's fascinating. We evolved into something that can do anything, it's fantastic. Somewhere along the evolutionary chain we found love, and not in a way like a parent loves a child, not wild love, we with words, evolved feelings, it's something I believe we hold over every other creature, and not denying real love in other animals in this kingdom, but for the most part we reign supreme on this.
There was a time when romance meant something, when people shared an interest in one another, and they wanted to share something deep with each other, take the time, put in the effort for a payoff that could last them a lifetime, or it might not, but it seems more-so in the past this was something that was a priority, maybe it wouldn't last a lifetime, but the idea was still there. Where in our history did we lose this? It seems more and more now, people are so fast paced, needing the next best thing in every day life, faster computers, phones, better cars, new this, new that, that when something new comes out it's already old, because something better has already replaced it, has this ADD culture caused the death of romance? have we lost track of what's good in this world and replaced it with possessions? things we can buy and own, so we work harder, work work work work work work work all the time to make money to buy the newest, latest, greatest thing so we can have the power, with power comes sex, now, for some reason, we've created this drive-thru romance, where there is no idea of lasting power, we're concerned with sex, and sex alone.
Sex.
A. The media portrays sex to us with everything, it's been happening for so long, those who have everything, have sex the most, it sells everything, sex runs our society. Sex is not romance, sex is a quick fix, makes people feel good for a certain amount of time, it's almost like we have fuel tanks and when they start to run low we have to fill them by having sex, doesn't matter who, it just NEEDS to happen, not to procreate or find anything lasting, just to do it, because it's ingrained in our brains that we need it.
B. Sex is lazy, we've become so concerned with everything new and great that we've resorted to just finding sex as fast as we can to "fill our tanks" and get it over with. It's such a half-assed meaningless portrayal of lazy romance, it's pathetic.
C. The male ego is ridiculous, being a male myself I never understood the conquest side of sex, men who like to put notches on their belt for lack of a better example, and then bragging about it, "oh I slept with that girl," does this give some sort of sense of pride? thinking about it like that makes it seem foolish and silly, what does it at all accomplish? sleeping with X amount of people makes you seem more interesting to your peers? and for some reason, taking the time to be creative, trying out romance, wooing a partner, having interesting fun with them before the sex isn't interesting to peers? where did this mentality come from? feeling a need for someONE left and somehow feeling a need for someTHING replaced it.
D. As far as women have come, fighting for rights and equality, the male ego has just taken it one step further, and now women have a voice, more rights, better pay, more equality, but are now looked at more as objects than ever, and by letting the male ego take over, and be lazy to just screw for one night so a notch can be put into their belt, your equality and rights in my eyes go right out the window, it makes no sense to me why just let males play their cards, get what they want, and then let them go. Not saying all women are innocent in this, but society has set up these standards that it's OK for this to happen, and when a female tries to keep the flame going after a male has had his way, she's considered "crazy." Well maybe they are crazy, but who gave them that state of mind? and who gets away with it? Males do on both accounts, and with their inflated ego's and still holding all the power, it's accepted as the "norm"
E. Hearing a male brag and explain to his peers "I had sex with that girl," seems comical to me in a sense that I would hold a higher respect for a person if the sentence were, "that is the girl that I continue to have sex with." if that makes any sense at all, if you find yourself needing to have sex with someone, why is it impressive to just do it once, and not continue and pursue something with it? why is it OK and not just impressive, it's degrading on both genders, going in to play the whole friends with benefits thing, just to fill that tank, people say it's emotionless, but to say sex is emotionless is to put us at a carnal, wild level, bringing us back so many evolutionary years and everything that is fantastic in this world now just seems meaningless, as if nothing were accomplished, because after all of this we have built in this world, we're no better than animals because we can't function our emotions that we created, which are far more important than this months model of this or that item, we created feelings and emotions that have now de-evolved into basic primal wild instincts, and we can't even get that right, at least with the animals, they do it to procreate, we do it because we own this and that to show our worth. Self worth is over-rated if that is the case.
Is romance something we created as humans? what is it exactly? and where did it go?
We separate ourselves from the rest animal kingdom with so many different things, our lives are all different, we lead them the way we want to lead them (for the most part) We build, destroy, love, hate, survive, we're artistic, we're smart, there's so much complexity to being human, it's fascinating. We evolved into something that can do anything, it's fantastic. Somewhere along the evolutionary chain we found love, and not in a way like a parent loves a child, not wild love, we with words, evolved feelings, it's something I believe we hold over every other creature, and not denying real love in other animals in this kingdom, but for the most part we reign supreme on this.
There was a time when romance meant something, when people shared an interest in one another, and they wanted to share something deep with each other, take the time, put in the effort for a payoff that could last them a lifetime, or it might not, but it seems more-so in the past this was something that was a priority, maybe it wouldn't last a lifetime, but the idea was still there. Where in our history did we lose this? It seems more and more now, people are so fast paced, needing the next best thing in every day life, faster computers, phones, better cars, new this, new that, that when something new comes out it's already old, because something better has already replaced it, has this ADD culture caused the death of romance? have we lost track of what's good in this world and replaced it with possessions? things we can buy and own, so we work harder, work work work work work work work all the time to make money to buy the newest, latest, greatest thing so we can have the power, with power comes sex, now, for some reason, we've created this drive-thru romance, where there is no idea of lasting power, we're concerned with sex, and sex alone.
Sex.
A. The media portrays sex to us with everything, it's been happening for so long, those who have everything, have sex the most, it sells everything, sex runs our society. Sex is not romance, sex is a quick fix, makes people feel good for a certain amount of time, it's almost like we have fuel tanks and when they start to run low we have to fill them by having sex, doesn't matter who, it just NEEDS to happen, not to procreate or find anything lasting, just to do it, because it's ingrained in our brains that we need it.
B. Sex is lazy, we've become so concerned with everything new and great that we've resorted to just finding sex as fast as we can to "fill our tanks" and get it over with. It's such a half-assed meaningless portrayal of lazy romance, it's pathetic.
C. The male ego is ridiculous, being a male myself I never understood the conquest side of sex, men who like to put notches on their belt for lack of a better example, and then bragging about it, "oh I slept with that girl," does this give some sort of sense of pride? thinking about it like that makes it seem foolish and silly, what does it at all accomplish? sleeping with X amount of people makes you seem more interesting to your peers? and for some reason, taking the time to be creative, trying out romance, wooing a partner, having interesting fun with them before the sex isn't interesting to peers? where did this mentality come from? feeling a need for someONE left and somehow feeling a need for someTHING replaced it.
D. As far as women have come, fighting for rights and equality, the male ego has just taken it one step further, and now women have a voice, more rights, better pay, more equality, but are now looked at more as objects than ever, and by letting the male ego take over, and be lazy to just screw for one night so a notch can be put into their belt, your equality and rights in my eyes go right out the window, it makes no sense to me why just let males play their cards, get what they want, and then let them go. Not saying all women are innocent in this, but society has set up these standards that it's OK for this to happen, and when a female tries to keep the flame going after a male has had his way, she's considered "crazy." Well maybe they are crazy, but who gave them that state of mind? and who gets away with it? Males do on both accounts, and with their inflated ego's and still holding all the power, it's accepted as the "norm"
E. Hearing a male brag and explain to his peers "I had sex with that girl," seems comical to me in a sense that I would hold a higher respect for a person if the sentence were, "that is the girl that I continue to have sex with." if that makes any sense at all, if you find yourself needing to have sex with someone, why is it impressive to just do it once, and not continue and pursue something with it? why is it OK and not just impressive, it's degrading on both genders, going in to play the whole friends with benefits thing, just to fill that tank, people say it's emotionless, but to say sex is emotionless is to put us at a carnal, wild level, bringing us back so many evolutionary years and everything that is fantastic in this world now just seems meaningless, as if nothing were accomplished, because after all of this we have built in this world, we're no better than animals because we can't function our emotions that we created, which are far more important than this months model of this or that item, we created feelings and emotions that have now de-evolved into basic primal wild instincts, and we can't even get that right, at least with the animals, they do it to procreate, we do it because we own this and that to show our worth. Self worth is over-rated if that is the case.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
livid.
Mother yelled at me last night
and this morning
she was livid
with the foolish things I do
I emptied all of my pockets
and my drawers
threw my clothes in the closet away
and burned my school books
now I am at the dinner table
and she is quiet
quite
quiet
indeed
and everything I physically own is in shambles
the quietness is NOT peaceful
it is terrorizing.
scrape.
I tripped on my shoelaces today
I picked myself up
saw I had scrapes on my elbows
and my pants were torn in the knees
I sat myself down on the ground
and looked at my shoelaces
they were untied
this whole time
that's all it was?
what an easy fix.
I picked myself up
saw I had scrapes on my elbows
and my pants were torn in the knees
I sat myself down on the ground
and looked at my shoelaces
they were untied
this whole time
that's all it was?
what an easy fix.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
all ever.
These words keep me alive
I breathe deeply
my shirt is torn today
but these words are keeping me alive,
still after all of this
my feet do not get wet in the water
I do not shiver in the cold
and I do not sweat in the sun
a pile of rocks made by someone
sitting there
all by itself
standing proud
these rocks were picked over all others
and they should be proud
I am proud for them
I look into the woods
and think of how many hiding places there may be
right in front of me
re-living my childhood
a smile breaks the dust from my cheekbones
my teeth even show this time
one in a million chances.
one in a million.
I breathe deeply
my shirt is torn today
but these words are keeping me alive,
still after all of this
my feet do not get wet in the water
I do not shiver in the cold
and I do not sweat in the sun
a pile of rocks made by someone
sitting there
all by itself
standing proud
these rocks were picked over all others
and they should be proud
I am proud for them
I look into the woods
and think of how many hiding places there may be
right in front of me
re-living my childhood
a smile breaks the dust from my cheekbones
my teeth even show this time
one in a million chances.
one in a million.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
name.
I wrote your name in wet cement.
a man yelled at me
and told me I ruined his hard work
and he fixed what I did
that's when I yelled back
and told him he ruined my hard work.
he was not happy with me
I was not happy with him
we were at a standoff.
I politely asked him why it mattered
he could not answer
he shrugged his shoulders and smiled
so I wrote your name a second time
he stood there and watched me
then wrote a name of his own
and smiled
now our standoff was an understanding.
a man yelled at me
and told me I ruined his hard work
and he fixed what I did
that's when I yelled back
and told him he ruined my hard work.
he was not happy with me
I was not happy with him
we were at a standoff.
I politely asked him why it mattered
he could not answer
he shrugged his shoulders and smiled
so I wrote your name a second time
he stood there and watched me
then wrote a name of his own
and smiled
now our standoff was an understanding.
Feathers.
the other day
I was flying
I was really really flying
my arms were wings
and I leapt off my roof
took flight
and the secret that I found out
is you can understand birds
in the air
their language makes sense
above the world
they asked me not to tell
their secret
but I am telling their secret
because
birds have nothing
of interest
to say.
I was flying
I was really really flying
my arms were wings
and I leapt off my roof
took flight
and the secret that I found out
is you can understand birds
in the air
their language makes sense
above the world
they asked me not to tell
their secret
but I am telling their secret
because
birds have nothing
of interest
to say.
Dirt.
The dirt birthed me
the rain saturated me
the sunlight made me stand
the wind almost knocked me over
but now my roots are strong
and I stand tall
and every autumn
my leaves fall
right
to
the
ground
to keep me warm
in the cold cold dirt
and every spring
my leaves grow again
in the warm warm air
I
have
no
complaints.
the rain saturated me
the sunlight made me stand
the wind almost knocked me over
but now my roots are strong
and I stand tall
and every autumn
my leaves fall
right
to
the
ground
to keep me warm
in the cold cold dirt
and every spring
my leaves grow again
in the warm warm air
I
have
no
complaints.
Lobe.
you awoke at 5:45
I was on the chair
bottle of wine in my hand
cigarette hanging
out of my mouth
you looked at me
with one eye open
"what are you doing?"
I had no answer then
I mumbled something
filled with wit
you half smiled
put your face into the pillow
and let out a sigh
I shut my eyes slowly
and opened them slowly
to find you
face to face
with me
I told you I thought you were beautiful when you slept
you told me I looked foolish
in the state I was in
so I put the bottle down
took one last drag
crossed my legs
squinted my eyes
and stuck my tongue out at you
you shook your head
with a smile
a smile that showed your teeth
I knew then
something I had done was right
I showed you all the writing I had done
throughout the night
while I watched you sleep
it was up and down my arms
on my hands
my palms
and belly
you pointed to the pad of paper next to the chair
"you really are foolish sometimes"
I shrugged my shoulders
and hummed a tune
you picked up the bottle
took a drink
laid back down
held the side of the covers up
that is when I stood up
and opened my mouth
"a fool would not get next to you right now"
you took me into your bed
smelling of ink, alcohol, smoke and sweat
buried your face into the nook
that is where my arm meets my chest
and let out a sigh of content
the spot below your ear lobe has never been kissed more than that night.
I was on the chair
bottle of wine in my hand
cigarette hanging
out of my mouth
you looked at me
with one eye open
"what are you doing?"
I had no answer then
I mumbled something
filled with wit
you half smiled
put your face into the pillow
and let out a sigh
I shut my eyes slowly
and opened them slowly
to find you
face to face
with me
I told you I thought you were beautiful when you slept
you told me I looked foolish
in the state I was in
so I put the bottle down
took one last drag
crossed my legs
squinted my eyes
and stuck my tongue out at you
you shook your head
with a smile
a smile that showed your teeth
I knew then
something I had done was right
I showed you all the writing I had done
throughout the night
while I watched you sleep
it was up and down my arms
on my hands
my palms
and belly
you pointed to the pad of paper next to the chair
"you really are foolish sometimes"
I shrugged my shoulders
and hummed a tune
you picked up the bottle
took a drink
laid back down
held the side of the covers up
that is when I stood up
and opened my mouth
"a fool would not get next to you right now"
you took me into your bed
smelling of ink, alcohol, smoke and sweat
buried your face into the nook
that is where my arm meets my chest
and let out a sigh of content
the spot below your ear lobe has never been kissed more than that night.
Arguements.
When the sun came up that morning
he told the moon to go hide
she hid, and hid well
but when her time came
she was
there to
make all
of the
stars
shine
I watched from afar
this battle
between the two forces
and wondered the outcome
of who would win
but one can't survive without
the other
so the battle would rage
and rage
and rage
until the end of time
in the meantime
the leaves and the owls
will be appreciative
of all the differences.
he told the moon to go hide
she hid, and hid well
but when her time came
she was
there to
make all
of the
stars
shine
I watched from afar
this battle
between the two forces
and wondered the outcome
of who would win
but one can't survive without
the other
so the battle would rage
and rage
and rage
until the end of time
in the meantime
the leaves and the owls
will be appreciative
of all the differences.
Extras.
Sometimes I wish
for all the months
to have an extra day
and extra 12 days a year
(13 every 4..)
would mean
just that
an extra 12 days a year
(13 every 4..)
that I would
want to spend
with you.
for all the months
to have an extra day
and extra 12 days a year
(13 every 4..)
would mean
just that
an extra 12 days a year
(13 every 4..)
that I would
want to spend
with you.
Monday, June 11, 2012
pee.
failed words for the fallen
it was all explained
and gone over a second time
in depth, with depths
these words are now so contrived
into meaningless
vacuums
in the farthest part of space
creating new gaseous forms
which will eventually
years and years and years and
years and years and years and
years and years and years and
years and years and years and
years and years from now
also have as little meaning as this
eat this shit from a gold bowl
and your challice is filled with piss.
it was all explained
and gone over a second time
in depth, with depths
these words are now so contrived
into meaningless
vacuums
in the farthest part of space
creating new gaseous forms
which will eventually
years and years and years and
years and years and years and
years and years and years and
years and years and years and
years and years from now
also have as little meaning as this
eat this shit from a gold bowl
and your challice is filled with piss.
Devil.
the devil visited me last night
he collected my teeth
and explained to me
the very long and extensive
process of collecting payment
of my soul
if I had time to explain
the reason
why I made this non-refundable
sale...
I would
alas,
I fear tomorrow night
for my eyes.
he collected my teeth
and explained to me
the very long and extensive
process of collecting payment
of my soul
if I had time to explain
the reason
why I made this non-refundable
sale...
I would
alas,
I fear tomorrow night
for my eyes.
yuck.
Make this table for 3
or better yet 4
another wheel will arrive
to feast on my bread
drink to drunk
on my overpriced wine
that my hard work will pay for
yet again
tonight is for celebration
this eve
I will open his belly
spill his guts upon the table
then,
then my good friends
we will have our dessert.
or better yet 4
another wheel will arrive
to feast on my bread
drink to drunk
on my overpriced wine
that my hard work will pay for
yet again
tonight is for celebration
this eve
I will open his belly
spill his guts upon the table
then,
then my good friends
we will have our dessert.
all.
my world has ended
as yours begins
and begins again
we need to discuss
the differences
between malicious
and accidental
once more
my blood is everywhere
and the crime scene lies
one and a half feet
up from your knee caps
and a few inches
below your pelvic bone
tell that beast
to meet me in the alley
for I just put a few nails
into my baseball bat.
as yours begins
and begins again
we need to discuss
the differences
between malicious
and accidental
once more
my blood is everywhere
and the crime scene lies
one and a half feet
up from your knee caps
and a few inches
below your pelvic bone
tell that beast
to meet me in the alley
for I just put a few nails
into my baseball bat.
EEE/FFF
explicit expectations evolve
into unknown apparitions
my fever has taken a path
one more traveled than others
the filth has erupted
spread it's legs throughout my body
i'm dying
i'm lying
now i'm flying
when the levvies break
i'm all yours
all yours tonight
and then again, and again, and again
fuck the cape
i'm always a superhero
the day has been saved
and i'm here alone again
facing fevers forever.
into unknown apparitions
my fever has taken a path
one more traveled than others
the filth has erupted
spread it's legs throughout my body
i'm dying
i'm lying
now i'm flying
when the levvies break
i'm all yours
all yours tonight
and then again, and again, and again
fuck the cape
i'm always a superhero
the day has been saved
and i'm here alone again
facing fevers forever.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Tired eyes.
I put this one out there
this one, this one time, this one day,
and hoped it would make sense
it didn't make sense
it doesn't make sense
it won't make sense
but I'll make the best of it.
won't I?
I've been doomed to a life of adequacy
now I see something above that
will I be graced for a life of greatness?
all my goals are attainable
all my thoughts are pure
all my heart is here for the taking
all my hands are here to hold.
all my ears are here to listen
all my eyes are here to open
my thoughts rush right through me
I open up too soon
and put this one out there
this one, this one time, this one day,
and hoped it would all make sense
it will all make sense
one day
I promise
I promise
I promise
I promise.
I reach my hand out
brush your hair back
"we'll show them the best baby."
a kiss on the nose
and i'm asleep.
and i'm awake.
and i'm asleep.
right where I want to be.
with you and all your sheets.
this one, this one time, this one day,
and hoped it would make sense
it didn't make sense
it doesn't make sense
it won't make sense
but I'll make the best of it.
won't I?
I've been doomed to a life of adequacy
now I see something above that
will I be graced for a life of greatness?
all my goals are attainable
all my thoughts are pure
all my heart is here for the taking
all my hands are here to hold.
all my ears are here to listen
all my eyes are here to open
my thoughts rush right through me
I open up too soon
and put this one out there
this one, this one time, this one day,
and hoped it would all make sense
it will all make sense
one day
I promise
I promise
I promise
I promise.
I reach my hand out
brush your hair back
"we'll show them the best baby."
a kiss on the nose
and i'm asleep.
and i'm awake.
and i'm asleep.
right where I want to be.
with you and all your sheets.
Sweaty.
I spent the day with shaky legs
quivering at the thought
of the events
of the morning
I tired myself out from shaking
took a nap
woke up
and took another rest
now it's the evening
and my legs are shaking harder
with anticipation
of the events
of this evening.
quivering at the thought
of the events
of the morning
I tired myself out from shaking
took a nap
woke up
and took another rest
now it's the evening
and my legs are shaking harder
with anticipation
of the events
of this evening.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
plt.
i'm walking
running isn't safe yet
this is all a metaphor
it's ugly and selfish
but I can't spread hurt
like I may have a tendency to do
no more metaphors.
running isn't safe yet
this is all a metaphor
it's ugly and selfish
but I can't spread hurt
like I may have a tendency to do
no more metaphors.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Wednesday.
i'll drop now
the heat has me
taken hold of my
my my my my my my thoughts
i'll pick now
to stand
tall
fall
crawl
perspiration is me
all me
learning to walk again isn't fun when you remember it.
the heat has me
taken hold of my
my my my my my my thoughts
i'll pick now
to stand
tall
fall
crawl
perspiration is me
all me
learning to walk again isn't fun when you remember it.
Packs.
Feed me to myself
as long as there is spices and sauces involved
I would not mind.
just feed me to the wolves
they don't need spices or sauces
they'll take me just how I am
i'll rot their stomachs
i'll digest badly
but wolves don't care
do they?
as long as there is spices and sauces involved
I would not mind.
just feed me to the wolves
they don't need spices or sauces
they'll take me just how I am
i'll rot their stomachs
i'll digest badly
but wolves don't care
do they?
$#$#
I over-used my expletives
threw them out like they were garbage
now I am sitting here
in the dark
with nothing to say
does this make me a bad person?
or does this make worse than that?
either way
the lights will come on
and I will return with a new set
ready to fire off.
threw them out like they were garbage
now I am sitting here
in the dark
with nothing to say
does this make me a bad person?
or does this make worse than that?
either way
the lights will come on
and I will return with a new set
ready to fire off.
Tuesday.
Today I took a drive
with the windows down
you were not around
so I put a picture of you
in the passengers seat
I would have preferred
to hold your hand
and kiss you under your earlobe
it was still fun to pretend
I talked incessantly
even talked your responses
as much as I would have loved
to brush your bangs back
and watch you frantically fix them
it was still fun to pretend.
with the windows down
you were not around
so I put a picture of you
in the passengers seat
I would have preferred
to hold your hand
and kiss you under your earlobe
it was still fun to pretend
I talked incessantly
even talked your responses
as much as I would have loved
to brush your bangs back
and watch you frantically fix them
it was still fun to pretend.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
//?
going through my old cd's and updating my itunes libraray I found and am going to share some lyrics by the band orchid today
"purse your lips and pump your hips
and purse your lips and pump your hips
I can't begin to understand
god damn. god damn. god damn,
I start sweating about the time your hand hits my back
I can't begin to understand
god damn. god damn. god damn.
we were kissing an hour before our lips met
I never wanted to have sex till you asked me
god damn. god damn i'm a brand new man"
"purse your lips and pump your hips
and purse your lips and pump your hips
I can't begin to understand
god damn. god damn. god damn,
I start sweating about the time your hand hits my back
I can't begin to understand
god damn. god damn. god damn.
we were kissing an hour before our lips met
I never wanted to have sex till you asked me
god damn. god damn i'm a brand new man"
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Jason.
There was a river
where we used to fish
as children
we would spend all day
getting to know each other
as each day is different
so are we
we always had a lot to learn
a lot of fish to catch
and a lot of rules to break
you always caught the biggest fish
I always helped you throw it back
I always fell in
you always helped me out
there was a time
when the current was so strong
and a time when you fell in
our roles were reversed
I couldn't get to you in time
I watched helplessly
as the river took you away
and I could do nothing.
Now that river is dried up
and there are no more fish
there are trees growing where I last saw you
I know one of those trees is you
so I come and visit it
and I get to know
your leaves
your bark
your roots
your animal residents
it's as if you never left
I wish I could show you
who I've become
the things I have done
and everything else about me
someday
a tree will grow next to you
and we can catch up
....
where we used to fish
as children
we would spend all day
getting to know each other
as each day is different
so are we
we always had a lot to learn
a lot of fish to catch
and a lot of rules to break
you always caught the biggest fish
I always helped you throw it back
I always fell in
you always helped me out
there was a time
when the current was so strong
and a time when you fell in
our roles were reversed
I couldn't get to you in time
I watched helplessly
as the river took you away
and I could do nothing.
Now that river is dried up
and there are no more fish
there are trees growing where I last saw you
I know one of those trees is you
so I come and visit it
and I get to know
your leaves
your bark
your roots
your animal residents
it's as if you never left
I wish I could show you
who I've become
the things I have done
and everything else about me
someday
a tree will grow next to you
and we can catch up
....
one for the road.
To all the boys and girls I know
kiss like you've never kissed
don't be afraid anymore
hearts will break
wounds will heal
lives will change
people will die
stop wasting time
and just kiss like it's all you have left.
kiss like you've never kissed
don't be afraid anymore
hearts will break
wounds will heal
lives will change
people will die
stop wasting time
and just kiss like it's all you have left.
backwards.
I lost count of
the amount of
counter-clockwise circles
I had drawn on your hip
there must be thousands there
possibly more
I aspire for millions.
the amount of
counter-clockwise circles
I had drawn on your hip
there must be thousands there
possibly more
I aspire for millions.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
missing link.
This place is haunted
I saw the ghosts
one turned to me and said
"ooooOoOOOooo"
I told her I did not understand
so she proceeded to clear her throat
and explain to me
how this place was haunted,
I said I understood that
since I was talking to a ghost
I do not think that ghost fancied me one bit
oh well.
I saw the ghosts
one turned to me and said
"ooooOoOOOooo"
I told her I did not understand
so she proceeded to clear her throat
and explain to me
how this place was haunted,
I said I understood that
since I was talking to a ghost
I do not think that ghost fancied me one bit
oh well.
Monday, May 21, 2012
taken.
I stole it
I took it and I feel bad about it
but I still stole it
even after giving it back
I still had stolen it
and that could never be erased
wonder what has changed in my future because of this?
I took it and I feel bad about it
but I still stole it
even after giving it back
I still had stolen it
and that could never be erased
wonder what has changed in my future because of this?
Henry.
I made a new friend today
his name was Henry
he was a fox living on the outskirts of the woods
he told me he had a family
and was looking for them
but was afraid to cross the road
I stopped traffic for him
helped him cross the road
this is when he told me
"everything you will do will matter"
I knew that already
but needed to be told
we all need to be told.
his name was Henry
he was a fox living on the outskirts of the woods
he told me he had a family
and was looking for them
but was afraid to cross the road
I stopped traffic for him
helped him cross the road
this is when he told me
"everything you will do will matter"
I knew that already
but needed to be told
we all need to be told.
Still.
I saw the stars fall down to earth
they rattled in the sky
then they came down
as if space was a pinata being broken
they
all
shook,
the
earth
stood
still
in
protest.
when they landed
I saw how small they really were
but the brightness
the brightness was so much
but it didn't hurt
it was unbelievable
I picked one up
put it in my pocket
and took it home.
they rattled in the sky
then they came down
as if space was a pinata being broken
they
all
shook,
the
earth
stood
still
in
protest.
when they landed
I saw how small they really were
but the brightness
the brightness was so much
but it didn't hurt
it was unbelievable
I picked one up
put it in my pocket
and took it home.
old 2
What happens next is two steps away
and the blood spilled today
with the wink of an eye
all the young come to die
"I'm a genius and nobody knows it but me"
Fill up on nostalgia before my final farewell
this is.. ending
this is.. treason
this is.. farewell
bang bang!
you're dead.
and the blood spilled today
with the wink of an eye
all the young come to die
"I'm a genius and nobody knows it but me"
Fill up on nostalgia before my final farewell
this is.. ending
this is.. treason
this is.. farewell
bang bang!
you're dead.
old 1
I know I know
it all makes sense
lets forget that word
and forget all this
we were the unavoidable exception
we will re-think all definitions
let us cheer and rejoice
and make that final toast
to our departed sons
what have we done?
it all makes sense
lets forget that word
and forget all this
we were the unavoidable exception
we will re-think all definitions
let us cheer and rejoice
and make that final toast
to our departed sons
what have we done?
Communist wolves
soon these friends of ours will feast on the necks of strangers infection sets in their blood boils,
our glorified godliness has now been passed
and the hunger
oh yeah the hunger.
our glorified godliness has now been passed
and the hunger
oh yeah the hunger.
wolf dictatorship
this town, this town, this town, this town, this town
our hosts have
set the table
prepared
our feast poured
our wine
we will in-
dulge un-
til our guts fill
watch for my signal
there isn't a scrap of silver in this town
open the sky
watch it all
come crash down
enjoy it while
you can cunts
open the sky
watch it all
come crash down
enjoy it while
you can cunts
my friends my friends my friends my friends
soon you will be just like us,
our hosts have
set the table
prepared
our feast poured
our wine
we will in-
dulge un-
til our guts fill
watch for my signal
there isn't a scrap of silver in this town
open the sky
watch it all
come crash down
enjoy it while
you can cunts
open the sky
watch it all
come crash down
enjoy it while
you can cunts
my friends my friends my friends my friends
soon you will be just like us,
SPLT NRV
about 2 years back my friends and I had a musical project going, these are the lyrics from one of the songs which I found.
our blood runs blue
and that's the point
where all the others have reconsidered
have you what it takes little girl?
she spoke softly of the
events about to transpire
I leaned into her mouth connecting with me
trust you me
all the perks
worth
every
single
mother
father
sister
and brother.
our blood runs blue
and that's the point
where all the others have reconsidered
have you what it takes little girl?
she spoke softly of the
events about to transpire
I leaned into her mouth connecting with me
trust you me
all the perks
worth
every
single
mother
father
sister
and brother.
00
That time I shook
that time I
really
really
really
shook
my legs couldn't stop
days later
I can still feel the tremors
that was the day
I became
california sinking into the ocean
that time I
really
really
really
shook
my legs couldn't stop
days later
I can still feel the tremors
that was the day
I became
california sinking into the ocean
the moon
And tonight
the sun will go down for the final time
this city will burn
every one is going to
screw one last time
drink one last time
kill one last time
cry one last time
eat one last time
however I will stand
my hand in yours
watch the sun burn out
and smile for the first time
the sun will go down for the final time
this city will burn
every one is going to
screw one last time
drink one last time
kill one last time
cry one last time
eat one last time
however I will stand
my hand in yours
watch the sun burn out
and smile for the first time
14
It was unbelievably late when we got that fire going, my watch had died, the only idea I had was that what had felt like days had probably only been a few hours, a few long hours, a few cold hours, a few angry hours, a few resentful hours, a goddamned frigid night. I heard a whimper come out of what life she had left in her lungs, I felt terrible for her, even though it was her fault we were here, I could not fault her though, we would find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it was definitely here, somewhere with a shitty little leprechaun guarding our treasures which we were inevitably freezing to death to find.
I gambled away everything we had worked our entire lives for 3 years back, casinos, sports, tracks, you name it I bet on it, I had a filthy addiction, yet she still found comfort in my arms, bless her for that.
I knew I'd keep her alive this time, so I tried to lighten the mood, "I'll bet we find this pot of gold before we die..." she coughed, her blue cheeks I noticed were becoming darker, I should help her in front of the fire, she will stay warm, she will live the night, it is my duty as her protector, her love, her best friend, her worst enemy to keep her alive.
As I moved towards her I saw her shaking so badly I thought she would break, my heart sank so far I felt it digesting, at least there's some sustenance. I remember our wedding day when I picked her up in that cliche way to carry her and knocked her head against the wall, yet she still trusted me, maybe I should have bailed, but my selfish addictions also include bringing all around me down as far as I am, she's so much better of a person than I, as I put my left arm under her legs I decide to open my mouth yet again to try and bring humor into the situation, "at least there are no walls here to hit your head on..." even if she wasn't dying of the cold I know she wouldn't find this funny.
I manage to move her closer to the fire, I stay close to her as my body is a furnace, whispers in her ear about how everything will be okay don't seem to help the situation either, really disappointed in myself here.... I need this to work.
Soon the sun starts to rise and her blue skin is returning to normal, the violent shaking has turned to mere shivering. I don't tell her but I give her the last of the food rations, she wouldn't like me not sustaining myself, exclaiming that I already had more of a portion than her she eats what she is given quickly in hopes of regaining some strength. The fire had put itself out a little bit ago, so after gathering what possessions we had we begin to head back out in search for this pot of gold.
After about an hour she starts to feel weak again, I have no more food to give her strength, I can just verbalize to try and keep her spirits up with motivational words and thoughts for her to try and trudge forward, that's when I see the glow, I sit her down and tell her everything will be all right, place a blanket around her shoulders and that we had found the infamous pot of gold, all of our problems will be solved, the rumors were all true, we took our chances and won. We actually won. I empty out the my bag and cover her in whatever warmth I can find, run ahead and fill it up with all of this wealth.
When returning she says she has no energy and would need to rest a bit, I assure her I know the way out, and that I will leave and return with food and others to get her out, "the road isn't far," as I point to the map of where we were, "It won't take me more than 3 hours to get out and get back with food, water, and warmth.." she looks at me with tears in her eyes, not sad tears, tears of joy, she knows too that I mean what I say, and then she nods. I kiss her goodbye and start walking as fast as I can out of those woods, I am walking into a better life so I had better hurry.
"I'll put $100 on Raggedy Ann."
I hope she'll be all right out in those woods a little while longer.
I gambled away everything we had worked our entire lives for 3 years back, casinos, sports, tracks, you name it I bet on it, I had a filthy addiction, yet she still found comfort in my arms, bless her for that.
I knew I'd keep her alive this time, so I tried to lighten the mood, "I'll bet we find this pot of gold before we die..." she coughed, her blue cheeks I noticed were becoming darker, I should help her in front of the fire, she will stay warm, she will live the night, it is my duty as her protector, her love, her best friend, her worst enemy to keep her alive.
As I moved towards her I saw her shaking so badly I thought she would break, my heart sank so far I felt it digesting, at least there's some sustenance. I remember our wedding day when I picked her up in that cliche way to carry her and knocked her head against the wall, yet she still trusted me, maybe I should have bailed, but my selfish addictions also include bringing all around me down as far as I am, she's so much better of a person than I, as I put my left arm under her legs I decide to open my mouth yet again to try and bring humor into the situation, "at least there are no walls here to hit your head on..." even if she wasn't dying of the cold I know she wouldn't find this funny.
I manage to move her closer to the fire, I stay close to her as my body is a furnace, whispers in her ear about how everything will be okay don't seem to help the situation either, really disappointed in myself here.... I need this to work.
Soon the sun starts to rise and her blue skin is returning to normal, the violent shaking has turned to mere shivering. I don't tell her but I give her the last of the food rations, she wouldn't like me not sustaining myself, exclaiming that I already had more of a portion than her she eats what she is given quickly in hopes of regaining some strength. The fire had put itself out a little bit ago, so after gathering what possessions we had we begin to head back out in search for this pot of gold.
After about an hour she starts to feel weak again, I have no more food to give her strength, I can just verbalize to try and keep her spirits up with motivational words and thoughts for her to try and trudge forward, that's when I see the glow, I sit her down and tell her everything will be all right, place a blanket around her shoulders and that we had found the infamous pot of gold, all of our problems will be solved, the rumors were all true, we took our chances and won. We actually won. I empty out the my bag and cover her in whatever warmth I can find, run ahead and fill it up with all of this wealth.
When returning she says she has no energy and would need to rest a bit, I assure her I know the way out, and that I will leave and return with food and others to get her out, "the road isn't far," as I point to the map of where we were, "It won't take me more than 3 hours to get out and get back with food, water, and warmth.." she looks at me with tears in her eyes, not sad tears, tears of joy, she knows too that I mean what I say, and then she nods. I kiss her goodbye and start walking as fast as I can out of those woods, I am walking into a better life so I had better hurry.
"I'll put $100 on Raggedy Ann."
I hope she'll be all right out in those woods a little while longer.
Friday, May 18, 2012
The waltz.
I've danced alone for so long
I have no rhythm
I step on toes
I don't know where to place my hands
So I put on my own music
And dance my own dance
Step on my own toes
and I still don't know where to place my hands
There
is
this
spot
where
your
hairline
meets
the
back
of
your
neck
and
it
is
my
favorite
Now i've at least got my hand placement right
the other things are sure to follow.
I have no rhythm
I step on toes
I don't know where to place my hands
So I put on my own music
And dance my own dance
Step on my own toes
and I still don't know where to place my hands
There
is
this
spot
where
your
hairline
meets
the
back
of
your
neck
and
it
is
my
favorite
Now i've at least got my hand placement right
the other things are sure to follow.
Pockets.
My pockets are filled with lint
loose change
and reciepts from bars
I clean them out daily
somehow it all comes back
day after day
My mind is at ease
when today
I stuck my hands in my pockets
and there was nothing there.
loose change
and reciepts from bars
I clean them out daily
somehow it all comes back
day after day
My mind is at ease
when today
I stuck my hands in my pockets
and there was nothing there.
Monday, May 14, 2012
SDS (shitty dude status)
I lay on that warm pavement with my hands shaking, finding everything funny, as the cars angrily swerve to avoid me.
My body, liver, brain all need a break.
I wish I could just turn my brain off sometimes, it would be pretty great to get continuous great nights of sleep.
I need stability in my life, working to change my life is very difficult and as living the same way for 28 years with no structure is quite a task to change.
I know I can change these things, my problem is when it starts to get tough for me I take two steps back, I could see myself doing this for the past few days, and it's not good for anyone, I had a long conversation on the phone with my mother yesterday, it was a great talk, I found myself talking incessantly about one person, and realized to myself that I can't be letting these steps back happen anymore, that it really is time to change, I had a clear head for a moment when the realization came, it felt wonderful.
I have to admit I'm terrified to change, it's going to be a long process, but it really is time. No doubt in my mind about it. Hard work has always paid off for me in the past, now I need to put hard work in on myself.
My body, liver, brain all need a break.
I wish I could just turn my brain off sometimes, it would be pretty great to get continuous great nights of sleep.
I need stability in my life, working to change my life is very difficult and as living the same way for 28 years with no structure is quite a task to change.
I know I can change these things, my problem is when it starts to get tough for me I take two steps back, I could see myself doing this for the past few days, and it's not good for anyone, I had a long conversation on the phone with my mother yesterday, it was a great talk, I found myself talking incessantly about one person, and realized to myself that I can't be letting these steps back happen anymore, that it really is time to change, I had a clear head for a moment when the realization came, it felt wonderful.
I have to admit I'm terrified to change, it's going to be a long process, but it really is time. No doubt in my mind about it. Hard work has always paid off for me in the past, now I need to put hard work in on myself.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
and again
with the wes eisold quotes
feeling counter-productive tonight.
" Dear eastern prom
I know what's wrong...
But it's suicide eyes
That wrote this song
For all I'm worth
Writer's block is a bitch
Words falling like bricks
For a New England wish...
I was an easy male fuck
In the town of "naive-ity"
All I wanted was a shot in the dark
But like a knife through the heart
I choke on spit covered words...
Oh my god - it happened again
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Screaming gets you nothing
One more night in fucking town
Screaming gets you nothing
And I swear I'm fucking dead...
Screaming gets you nothing
I drew a heart around the name of your city...
Screaming gets you nothing
I drew a heart around the name of your city..."
feeling counter-productive tonight.
" Dear eastern prom
I know what's wrong...
But it's suicide eyes
That wrote this song
For all I'm worth
Writer's block is a bitch
Words falling like bricks
For a New England wish...
I was an easy male fuck
In the town of "naive-ity"
All I wanted was a shot in the dark
But like a knife through the heart
I choke on spit covered words...
Oh my god - it happened again
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Screaming gets you nothing
One more night in fucking town
Screaming gets you nothing
And I swear I'm fucking dead...
Screaming gets you nothing
I drew a heart around the name of your city...
Screaming gets you nothing
I drew a heart around the name of your city..."
Monday, May 7, 2012
And shitshit
"Let's explore.."
Jamey was always the asshole wanting to explore, Fuck that guy, no FUCK FUCK that guy, last time we went to explore I came out missing two fingers, thumb and ring finger gone, tried using it once as a pick up line, that I could shock the girl really good, pig wasn't that into it, now I'm self conscious as hell about it.
Back to double fucking Jamey, that total asshole, I can't stress enough how angry he makes me, if this girl Rita wasn't here i'd be totally out, Rita has a nice set of tits that i'd totally like to get my eight fingers on. So in the end I will not hesitate, I'll do it and something fucked will happen. My sour face turns sweet when she turns around and opens that mouth, "I'll go in with you, hold your hand even... just the good one though." that sentence would have been good, she just winked now it's a dick hardening sentence, so I play the moron grab her hand and take the lead.
"This water is so goddamned cold," I thought and heard a "what?" in response, shit I guess my thoughts and my mouth don't separate as well as I thought, I shake my head and under my breath utter some mumblings. I'm frustrated as hell, cold, wet feet with a hard dick, and fantasizing about Rita tripping over a rock and catching her by her tits. Well that's just not going to happen.
It's really dark in this place, hopefully this water is clean, I don't feel like going to the docs again for something this asshole and my libido roped me in to. That's when I see it, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, literally, not metaphorically speaking, so my pace quickens, the cold sweat between our palms starts warming, this might not be so bad, might not, might not, i'll convince myself of this, if I just say it over and over and over and over, might not, seriously might not.
Things start looking different, light coming through, I can actually see sunlight, I can hear life outside of this potential awful situation that could have happened, then I stop, come to a complete stop and just stare.
This is the town I grew up in, the town I never left, and we are actually in the back yard of the house I grew up in, the house I never left, and I never knew this was here.
Double fuck that double asshole, i'd have lost a limb and maybe gotten a pity fuck out of something better.
shit-eater
Jamey was always the asshole wanting to explore, Fuck that guy, no FUCK FUCK that guy, last time we went to explore I came out missing two fingers, thumb and ring finger gone, tried using it once as a pick up line, that I could shock the girl really good, pig wasn't that into it, now I'm self conscious as hell about it.
Back to double fucking Jamey, that total asshole, I can't stress enough how angry he makes me, if this girl Rita wasn't here i'd be totally out, Rita has a nice set of tits that i'd totally like to get my eight fingers on. So in the end I will not hesitate, I'll do it and something fucked will happen. My sour face turns sweet when she turns around and opens that mouth, "I'll go in with you, hold your hand even... just the good one though." that sentence would have been good, she just winked now it's a dick hardening sentence, so I play the moron grab her hand and take the lead.
"This water is so goddamned cold," I thought and heard a "what?" in response, shit I guess my thoughts and my mouth don't separate as well as I thought, I shake my head and under my breath utter some mumblings. I'm frustrated as hell, cold, wet feet with a hard dick, and fantasizing about Rita tripping over a rock and catching her by her tits. Well that's just not going to happen.
It's really dark in this place, hopefully this water is clean, I don't feel like going to the docs again for something this asshole and my libido roped me in to. That's when I see it, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, literally, not metaphorically speaking, so my pace quickens, the cold sweat between our palms starts warming, this might not be so bad, might not, might not, i'll convince myself of this, if I just say it over and over and over and over, might not, seriously might not.
Things start looking different, light coming through, I can actually see sunlight, I can hear life outside of this potential awful situation that could have happened, then I stop, come to a complete stop and just stare.
This is the town I grew up in, the town I never left, and we are actually in the back yard of the house I grew up in, the house I never left, and I never knew this was here.
Double fuck that double asshole, i'd have lost a limb and maybe gotten a pity fuck out of something better.
shit-eater
Feed.
About 73 degrees in Chicago this day, today being that, is when I asked her to open that can of worms. She, at first refused, as we had no can opener, I left our small loft, knocked on the neighbors door as I had done so many times before, explained to them that Jules had never opened a can of worms before, and a can opener was needed, they proceeded to let me use a spare they had, as they did not want it back after it had opened such a thing, I thanked them, handed them the change in my pocket and went back.
Jules seemed not that thrilled that I had actually went and retrieved such an item, as now I seemed to call her bluff. I handed her the instrument and she proceeded to open this can, which was actually filled with worms, this is when I asked her, "Please baby, do it for me, just let the worms feed..." She then had a look of disgust on her face and finished her duties, took a deep breath, and then let the worms feed.
And those worms fed,
they fed, and they fed, and they fed, and they fed.
My laughter became guffaws that night, that is the word.
Goodnight Jules, you were a good person once.
Jules seemed not that thrilled that I had actually went and retrieved such an item, as now I seemed to call her bluff. I handed her the instrument and she proceeded to open this can, which was actually filled with worms, this is when I asked her, "Please baby, do it for me, just let the worms feed..." She then had a look of disgust on her face and finished her duties, took a deep breath, and then let the worms feed.
And those worms fed,
they fed, and they fed, and they fed, and they fed.
My laughter became guffaws that night, that is the word.
Goodnight Jules, you were a good person once.
Friday, May 4, 2012
3 AM thoughts
Envelop in my selfishness.
Stir around naïveté,
As if it were on a plate.
Let's meet in the woods,
We can hold hands and catch frogs down by the pond
I will carve our initials in a tree,
And watch you skip rocks, something you will have to teach me,
Today,
This is the day the sun will not go down.
If I could I would keep you here.
Stir around naïveté,
As if it were on a plate.
Let's meet in the woods,
We can hold hands and catch frogs down by the pond
I will carve our initials in a tree,
And watch you skip rocks, something you will have to teach me,
Today,
This is the day the sun will not go down.
If I could I would keep you here.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Title.
That one left me speechless
I couldn't stop myself
I couldn't control anymore
I wanted to give you everything
Everything
I
Had
Then as the lists were useless
The sky was brown
The water was rust
The trees were ash
Shit was still shit,
I made a new list
one where your name wasn't even there to cross out.
I couldn't stop myself
I couldn't control anymore
I wanted to give you everything
Everything
I
Had
Then as the lists were useless
The sky was brown
The water was rust
The trees were ash
Shit was still shit,
I made a new list
one where your name wasn't even there to cross out.
Monday, April 30, 2012
pushpush
life and fucking
sweat sweat sweat
payoff is good
payoff is great
sweet sweet sweet
experiment with my expectations
and all day I will
sweat sweat sweat.
sweat sweat sweat
payoff is good
payoff is great
sweet sweet sweet
experiment with my expectations
and all day I will
sweat sweat sweat.
4/30
Realized today the odd tie between two things.
1. I currently am kind of "homeless" I guess, I live with some friends, but this is not going to be my permanent residence, this is people helping me out until I can get a permanent residence.
2. Until I have a legal residence, no matter how nice a shower may be, or how long, or how much I clean myself in such a shower, I will never feel as clean as I would if I were to bathe in a place where I get my mail. Maybe it's just me.
1. I currently am kind of "homeless" I guess, I live with some friends, but this is not going to be my permanent residence, this is people helping me out until I can get a permanent residence.
2. Until I have a legal residence, no matter how nice a shower may be, or how long, or how much I clean myself in such a shower, I will never feel as clean as I would if I were to bathe in a place where I get my mail. Maybe it's just me.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
I just made sure and re-aquired my copy of wes eisolds "deathbeds"
this book was re-pressed, I have a first edition and if you want to buy it, i'll sell it for no less than $200, if you want a newjack edition you should get it anyway, because if fall out boy got sued over stealing lyrics from wes, and they made millions... now homeboy is in cold cave.. yeah he's pretty great.
that's all I have to say,
I will leave this with a piece from deathbeds.
"creep"
sometimes I feel like a creep
for just walking around
and knowing about creepy things
upstairs from a ballet class
where I hear the teacher say
if you see anyone weird, tell someone-
There has been a bad man around
well I look weird to little girls
but I'm not a bad man
still I feel creepy
for knowing what the bad man does
....
this book was re-pressed, I have a first edition and if you want to buy it, i'll sell it for no less than $200, if you want a newjack edition you should get it anyway, because if fall out boy got sued over stealing lyrics from wes, and they made millions... now homeboy is in cold cave.. yeah he's pretty great.
that's all I have to say,
I will leave this with a piece from deathbeds.
"creep"
sometimes I feel like a creep
for just walking around
and knowing about creepy things
upstairs from a ballet class
where I hear the teacher say
if you see anyone weird, tell someone-
There has been a bad man around
well I look weird to little girls
but I'm not a bad man
still I feel creepy
for knowing what the bad man does
....
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Pt. III
It was my Junior year of high school, she was sitting in my car in the parking lot of school, I felt that lump in my throat and that unbelievable knot in my stomach, I moved my hand up to pull her bangs out of her eyes, my hand could not make a connection this time as she moved to her right just enough to dodge it, I sank, real hard, real fast, but I'm not going to cry, I swore I wouldn't do it, she was my first love, at that point it felt like my only love, as if the thought process was "there are absolutely no other females in the world." Stupid kid, she let out a sigh that broke the silence, opened my car door and walked out without shutting it. I sat there motionless for a few moments, tried to swallow the lump leaned over to close the car door and heard the drips fall from my face onto the vinyl seat, deep deep deep breath in, out slowly, shut the door, turn the key and leave. I lived 4 miles from the school, and as cliche as it seems that 4 miles seemed absolutely endless. I couldn't think of what I had done wrong, little did I know, high school relationships are just fucked. I sulked into my mothers house, no one was home, good. went into my room and just laid down on the bed for well over an hour staring at the ceiling. Then it hit me, I can just end this, show her she shouldn't have left me, because that makes total logical sense, won't even write a note, she'll know why I did it, then my Mother will find out and hate her and then everyone will hate her, best idea ever I thought, This was the night I found out drinking bleach and suffering was not the best way to go to kill yourself, this is also the night I found out I would have many many many more chances to do this over and over again.
4/24
I used to be a lot more creative, used to spend a lot more time writing.
When I was in my early 20's I would spend entire nights with a pack of cigarettes and a case of beer, stay up the whole night just going and going and going and not stopping, I'm pretty sure I threw all of it out. When my typewriter finally broke, I was very devastated, I stopped writing pretty much all together and just picked up on the drinking and smoking more, now over half a decade later i'm feeling the urge to write again, and calm down on the things that deter any creativity, considering i'm not 22 anymore and the years and years of this seems to be catching up, I feel quite stupid most of the time when years prior I actually felt quite smart.
My thoughts are slowly coming back to me, I need to keep them this time, i'm really tired of losing things that matter, and my thoughts are the most important.
Most of what is written here is little things I come up with, some continue with each other, some are just small pieces I don't want to forget, some will make absolutely no sense.
That is all.
When I was in my early 20's I would spend entire nights with a pack of cigarettes and a case of beer, stay up the whole night just going and going and going and not stopping, I'm pretty sure I threw all of it out. When my typewriter finally broke, I was very devastated, I stopped writing pretty much all together and just picked up on the drinking and smoking more, now over half a decade later i'm feeling the urge to write again, and calm down on the things that deter any creativity, considering i'm not 22 anymore and the years and years of this seems to be catching up, I feel quite stupid most of the time when years prior I actually felt quite smart.
My thoughts are slowly coming back to me, I need to keep them this time, i'm really tired of losing things that matter, and my thoughts are the most important.
Most of what is written here is little things I come up with, some continue with each other, some are just small pieces I don't want to forget, some will make absolutely no sense.
That is all.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Pt. II
Back at that bar again, eyeballing that asshole in the corner who seems to have it all, big dick, big wallet, big hands, big titted women, he could probably die tonight and people would be really upset, something you read about in the papers, NOT as an obituary. "so-and-so was coming out of sally so-and-so's house very early tuesday morning after filling her up all night, and was struck by a drunk driver.." this is what the world needs more of, thinking too much about this just makes me want to go home and try to end it yet again, maybe this time, it would be so so so very nice to jus... "what the FUCK are you staring at man???" now my attention is elsewhere, my mere gaze has now turned into a full fledged stare, yet I can't open my mouth, the half smile I give right back to him doesn't seem to make him very happy at all. "you're fucked up man, you staring at my girls tits?? you a pervert?? i'm going home and slapping these tits tonight, you can slap yourself thinking about it you freak." I half shut my eyes and keep the grin, even though he's completely right, might as well make his night terrible for the sake of it, he won't remember it tomorrow anyway, no one ever does. I slide my hand into my coat pocket and remove the cold steel, his eyes have immediately gone from anger to terror, don't worry asshole, i'm not going to hit you, you are no where near my own temple... click..
Pt.1
As we have ended up here so many times before, the question still remains, how many times will I have to kill myself before it actually takes?
I'm a quitter, oh I 'm a quitter, and a junkie, alcoholic, smoker, gambler, and countless other -ics and -ers that are looked down upon. Take me for what I am, for I am the sleeplessness as a whole, I am the original sin. I am full of narcissism, full to the brim, thanks mom and dad.
"When are you going to stop?" she said with that awful face, that face that you just want to smash until it's completely erased, and hopefully erased from your memory only to be replaced with the mess you have left, which is arguably better than that goddamned shit she was pulling before. "Why do I have to stop, i've killed myself 377 times and it seems like it's the only way I can get a good nights rest.." And there's that face again, shit, I'm so close to snapping, but her, unlike I will not wake up if I decide to destroy her existence, "mmmmm, you're upsetting the natural order of things, you're explo.." and I cut her off by walking out, I know this, I know this all too well, it's this conversation that has made me hate that face of hers, but I believe it to be right.
I'm a quitter, oh I 'm a quitter, and a junkie, alcoholic, smoker, gambler, and countless other -ics and -ers that are looked down upon. Take me for what I am, for I am the sleeplessness as a whole, I am the original sin. I am full of narcissism, full to the brim, thanks mom and dad.
"When are you going to stop?" she said with that awful face, that face that you just want to smash until it's completely erased, and hopefully erased from your memory only to be replaced with the mess you have left, which is arguably better than that goddamned shit she was pulling before. "Why do I have to stop, i've killed myself 377 times and it seems like it's the only way I can get a good nights rest.." And there's that face again, shit, I'm so close to snapping, but her, unlike I will not wake up if I decide to destroy her existence, "mmmmm, you're upsetting the natural order of things, you're explo.." and I cut her off by walking out, I know this, I know this all too well, it's this conversation that has made me hate that face of hers, but I believe it to be right.
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